I thought of flowers. Wonderful colorful bright flowers that are on display everywhere you turn these days, poinsettias in shops, restaurants, homes, flower beds, on clothes, print, colorful flowers in salads. Flowers are supposed to accompany every stage in our lives from our birth to our death. Yet, as I thought about flowers, and being in a terrible mood women get as a result of frustration and feeling vulnerable, I did not like to be a flower at all if given a chance to be part of nature. They are cut in their prime, put on display for a bit then discarded once they start wilting. Definitely not a flower. Nor a tree. I love trees, they are my favorite features of nature, but I wouldn’t like to be one, tied down to the same place from birth to death, how sad. No, not a tree, nor any part of the plant kingdom, and not a mushroom either, magic or otherwise. I think I need to look further into the fauna of mother nature to decide if I would magically stop being a human to be something else more interesting and useful.
I don’t like any of the ferocious animals that draw blood when they eat. No, not that, I could never eat anything that moves except an oyster. With lots of lemon. I don’t want to be a farm animal that belches and produces methane in large quantities to harm the environment and end up on some fat beer drinking guy’s barbeque. Not for me, and I didn’t like any of the characters in animal farm, the movie scared me.
No reptiles appeal to me. With the exception of the black mamba that packs so much power and rules out of sheer terror tactics and venom. But the thought of slithering on dirt absolutely disgusts me. I also like the Komodo dragons, although I think they are misunderstood. Lost between species and not quite appreciated.
Aquatic animals are great, except if you are lower on the food chain, you get eaten in no time. So that leaves the giant squid (no thank you), whales (are you calling me fat?), sharks (you go be a shark, I’ll pass, and you weren’t paying attention about drawing blood-fish blood counts as blood), and dolphins. Dolphins I can work with, except now there are powerful sonars used by navy ships and submarines that are driving dolphins nuts if they survive tuna fishing nets. Plus, I found out when I once in Tahiti swimming with a group of dolphins (retired from the US Navy, I swear), that one alpha male or female leads the herd of dolphins and scratches and beats the living daylights out of the others. I know I will definitely apply for the leader position if I morphed into a dolphin, but what if there was a Roseanne Barr look-alike in the herd and she beat me to it. I would spend my wretched life being beaten up by Roseanne the Dolphin.
Fine, that leaves birds and domestic animals. A dog’s life is so not me, and I cannot get a cat’s mentality and nonchalance, so they are out. Anything in a cage is similar to the tied down tree situation, so no. Ferrets are for eccentric people trying to get over their addictions, or desperate people who want to look interesting, so I won’t be a ferret or else I will set out to nibble these sad people to bits.
Birds are what is left. The smaller varieties don’t interest me. The penguins live such wretched hard lives which was proven to me when I watched “marche de l’empreur” which scarred me when that egg hit the ice and I couldn’t sleep for days. Owls freak me out and I associate them with death. Vultures are too disgusting for words. Falcons and eagles are not bad, but they eat mice. Ostriches are surely not me, I am an Aries, head in the sand is not to be contemplated nor exercised. We are nothing if not direct.
I think I have reached the end of my journey with actual existing animals. I could never be a mermaid, I was born to run, and I think merpeople are too fishy. Mammoth? Are you calling me fat again? Saber-toothed tiger draws blood. I think I found it. What I would definitely be if I had to be part of nature (on hallucinogens) is a unicorn. I would chase and kick my enemies when needed. Shiny and beautiful, I also can fly. I can run AND fly. That’s it, it is settled. If anyone is listening, and has a way of granting wishes, please take note.
Beam me up, Scotty.