A life never lived

“After my first…

I built this suit of armor

So strong, so invulnerable.

I came across you.

Slowly my guard was let down. 

So, so vulnerable to pain and despair.

A love so perfect, so beautiful 

Was the double edged sword.

One side so sweet

So dull of worry

So full of love.

The other so sharp of worry

So deadly with confusion

So overcome of aberrancy.

They meet at the apex.

The sword was the only thing,

The only thing to pierce through the armor.

Through the mind, the soul, the heart…

The sword tears a hole

The sharpest of sides is numb to pain,

The dull side brings a pain.

A pain so excruciating 
the pain unreal the suffering so great.

This side pierces the mind, the soul, the heart..

The wound lasting and irreparable.

A pain never to leave.

A pain that allows you to live but in turn

It kills the mind, the soul, the heart

A pain that may lie dormant

Only to arise and hurt more than it ever did.

But through all doubt and suffering

The love was worth the pain.

The love so perfect so beautiful.

Was worth the pain

Was worth the death of me 

Was worth losing everything I ever had.

Even if it was you that I lost.”

Yesterday, we lost a family friend.  A formidable woman, loved by many, yet truly cherished by none.  Giving to a fault, she never could say no to anyone in need of care, a favor, cheering up, she was the go to woman for her friends and family, and sometimes beyond to friends of friends, and at times for complete strangers.  A brilliant, funny, Aries woman.  She was born in the Spring, and died on New Year’s day, when the world was celebrating a new decade, new hope, new beginnings.  She chose to die when no one was paying attention.  But she was always like that, she put herself last in everything.  She loved and had her love rejected, trampled on.  She was there for everyone when they needed her, yet when she was in the pit of her despair, hardly a soul was there to let her know they care, to lend a hand in saving her from herself.  She was alone.

She was the funniest woman anyone can meet, with a bright intellect, a true and wonderful human that could see the good in everything.  Her bright smile, her jokes, successfully masked the deep sadness that resided in her.  She was a woman who loved so deeply, but who was unloved by that person who mattered most.  She never got over the tragedy of her love lost on a man who saw her as a convenient shelter when he was in need of her, as a sage who always gave good advice, as a friend he could count on, but never as a woman who needed to be loved in return.

Her giving up on herself dried up her will to live, the will to love again, the will to see her self-worth and free herself from her chronic sadness and despair.

One can’t reason very well with a woman in love.  It is not an easy feat to dissuade a person hell-bent on self-destruction.  She was such a person, and she had her lost love pushing her to self efface, disintegrate into the dust of nothingness while alive.  She was almost transparent, non-existent when her own needs were concerned. And she lost her battle with life, with herself, with her love, with her family, and died on the day a new year was born. In fact, I don’t even think it was a battle, I don’t think she put up any kind of fight to delay a looming death. She just slipped into her next chapter, silently, without too much fuss.  She will be missed, but more importantly, she will live on in broken hearts everywhere.  A reminder of what that indispensable thing called love can do to a heart that loves deeply and truthfully.  That is where she will be, with every tear shed by a desperate lover anywhere.  A martyr to that inexplicable thing humans feel and live for, that can elevate them to the heights of passion, ecstasy and delirious joy, and sometimes, in the same day, bring them down to the depths of hell.

“Once upon a time I was falling in love but now I’m only falling apart. There’s nothing I can do, a total eclipse of the heart” – Bonnie Tyler,  a Welsh singer

candles and wishes

Yesterday I was lighting candles for friends and family, and I lit one for her, thinking of her. I came home to find out she had died that day.

This entry was posted in Human Relationships, Reflections and tagged , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

One Response to A life never lived

  1. Vanessa says:

    Brigitte your heart is truly insightful, refreshingly honest and paints a portrait like a true master. I have so much respect for your talent x.

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