Hurt

A door I loved in Oman

I have been trying to write a blog post for a few days now. I start writing, get halfway there, then press the delete button. I cannot concentrate on one line of thought. A major change is happening in my life, and I don’t know how to separate myself from the anxiety and anticipation enough to be able to write. I wanted to write about Oman, my trip to Dubai, humanitarianism in this day and age, about a child hurting and overwhelmed by approaching exams, so much that is going on in my life, around it and outside it. Then I became quite reticent. Suddenly I don’t want to write about anything. I can’t share, I am living through a transition and it doesn’t feel like I can communicate what’s happening for the sheer volume of things that are going through my mind. But then I decided that I will limit myself to one post per week, and see how it goes. So here goes. Despite my hurting tummy.

Here goes what? I want to write something about my trip. But still I can’t write anything meaningful or focused. I’m listening to one song on repeat since last night, I love the words, the music, the voice, the feeling, but I can’t seem to concentrate on anything else. I still listen as I’m typing these words and wonder at how unpredictable life is. How futile it is to attempt to plan, with so many variables out there. The only absolutes being life, death and that funny thing that strikes humans, that thing called love, that comes to us without permission, we don’t plan for it, apply for a supply of it from the feeling store, we can’t buy it, sell it, or manufacture it. It is there, it comes to us when we first see the face of a tiny infant that used to be part of our flesh for the first time, one look at the slimy thing with squinty eyes and we’re so deeply in love and it’s for life. We just know it with a certainty that staggers us.  We meet people throughout our lifetime that we just know are going to become our loved special people. The first crush in school that you never ever forget, the teacher that is so kind and caring that you never stop visiting in your mind for reassurance as you grow up, the friends that you share so much with, the good and the bad, that love and loyalty become part and parcel of what defines you and them, always, forever and ever. Then there is the sudden, uncontrollable tsunami of staggering emotions that hits us humans when we fall in love. All reason is suspended, we live to love and love to live, and in those days, months, years, and for the lucky ones, decades of the unconditional and absolute cherishing of that one person on earth that means to us more than any other person, we are so close to being one with the universe, with divinity-whatever divinity is, with nature, with the other person.  Not many people experience that through their lifetimes, actually great love stories are great because they are few and far between. Sometimes people love a hopeless one-sided love, sometimes love is reciprocated but not nurtured and soon forgotten, and sometimes, for a relatively lucky few, it just happens, the love that God and nature intended, the kind of state of being that transcends everything else, the pain, the joy, the hope, the despair, and just rises above all. It just is. No logic can chart its way, no plan can guide it, no boundaries can limit it, no reason can control it. It is there, with a force of nature that is hard to fathom. I see people living this, everyday, I see it in their eyes, how they are around each other, the way they care, the way they trust, the way they revel in the  existence of one person in their world that defines their world.

My birthday is coming up, and my new life is about to start on almost the same day, a change of country, a change of scene, and so much to look forward to with a sense of overwhelming excitement and trepidation. In the midst of that, I only wish for all my loved ones a spring of love, happiness, peace of mind and health. I wish you all the same. And a Happy Easter for those who celebrate it.

Wael Kfoury’s song about the reign of the heart in a way illustrates the single-minded, mercurial nature of that emotion that knows no rules and no boundaries